Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Sophomore effort

Hola, amigos. I know it's been awhile since I rapped at ya, but the Bri-guy forgot his password. Besides that I have just been out and about and sleeping. Yesterday some of the homies and I went out for burritos. It had been awhile since I had one and it was a definite staple back in the Oaktown. $3.00 for a burrito as big as your forearm. Somedays I would eat one in the morning and one at night. I was even looking up the Oakland taco trucks on that internet thing. Each one had their own burrito style. There were some corners with like 2 taco trucks on the same corner. Anywho, I was major jonesing for some rolled up goodness and the closest thing I had seen in Seoul was an eggroll, so when a coworker dropped that there was a burrito joint in Sinchon (nearby) I started salivating like I just slathered a jalepeno all over my tongue. We roll out there and my al pastor (that's pork for those of you who don't habla the espanol) burrito was mighty righteous. We bid the proprieter a fond adios and headed over to an ice cream joint across the street. As we're sitting there my boys drop on me that in the bathroom, there is one of those toilets that shoots water up your ass. Being interested in all things that keep effort to a minimal, and pushing a button being less taxing than wiping your keister I was intrigued. I had some questions- how good of a job did it do? what would happen if the machine malfunctioned and water came gushing out in a torrential stream? Could this be the rise of the machines when they had us at our most vulnerable?
Now my bung is on a strict exit-only policy so I was pretty resistant to the idea of my virginal ass being probed by anything more than the occassional mild wedgie. But, I had to admit I was curious. The problem was I had just birthed a mighty heroic food baby before splitting the crib. The Mexican food came to my rescue, however. So, I went to the camode and after taking care of business tried to decide which button did the job. There was an electric keypad with several buttons that seemed more fit for programming robots than squirting some water in someone's ass. Also, the buttons were in Korean and I ain't down with the slang yet. There were two buttons with pictographs on them, however. One of them had what looked like "uu"- a back view of a legless butt with water rushing up towards it from below. The other one had a rather content looking stick chap with water doing it's thing on him. I'm more into simple shit so I chose the former and tried to relax and open my... mind. After pushing the button however a stream of freezing cold water invaded my anal in a way that was just a little too personal. I screamed like a little bitch. Luckily there was music playing in the dining area because people would have come running to kick some mugger's ass. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to jump off because I thought the water would come shooting out of the toilet at me. I sure as shit couldn't take any more of this violation, however. I wasn't sure if the water would turn off on its own and I didn't want to hit any more buttons in fear of it sending it through another cycle. I was in limbo- a cold invasive limbo. Finally, it felt like my brain itself was cold and I just started hitting buttons. One of them turned off the monster. I had water dripping all over from my excessive gyrations on the can. I felt like I needed a cigarette and we went to the bar we found with 1.90 beers and 1.50 tequila. I'm sticking with good ol fashion t.p. on the here on out.


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