Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Sit on my thumbs up


I know I haven't holla'ed at yah in awhile, but I've got a good excuse- I've been really fucking lazy. Like feeling the settling of geologic plates lazy. Sometimes, like all the time, you just got to go with it. Let me illustrate some of my true and tried time saving devices- today instead of walking down to the store for more toilet paper I was able to utilize the 4 squares of t.p. left by splitting the double ply into single and further dividing it by half. Time saved: 6 minutes plus 2 minutes digging through my change bottle; instead of tying and untying your shoes simply tuck your laces into the foot area- especially helpful because I like to let my dogs out of the kennel while at my desk at work. Time saved: 10 minutes throughout the day; we all like mac and cheese right? How about just mac? You're an important man, just dump some hot sauce on it and it tastes all the same; or instead of mixing together the tuna fish and mayonnaise just spread some mayonnaise on the bread (+ 30 seconds if you don't actually "spread" and instead just smush the sandwich together) and dump the can in between. Time saved: 4 minutes for lunch, 5 minutes for dinner. O.K. that means I had an extra 27 minutes today. Which gives me just enough time to drop some cinematic critique in your general vicinity.
Summer blockbusters are as much of a tradition as the ice cream man and peeing in the community pool. I've been busy scouring the movie scene lately so that you too can save your time and avoid any potential "Poseidons". O.K. this review has commenced with the only movie I actually saw at the movies and the only one close to being a summer movie (in Korea summer starts at the beginning of June). This movie sunk like the ship the movie was named after. The premise of this movie centered around a boat that got knocked over by a big wave and then some of the smarter passengers try to get off the boat and... well that's actually the whole plot. I was rooting for the ocean and wish a big wave would have took me down so I wouldn't have to sit through any more of this stinker. Thankfully the sweet nothingness of sleep engulfed me halfway through. D- (not an F only because I had a good nap). Matt Dillon's brother plays a sleazy gambler to the hilt, although exits a bit early, and Matt Dillon is in...
Factotum- as a Charles Bukowski character, a man that lived a poem out. I don't find any glory in wasting away to the bottle, and this movie had a lot of drinking. Shit, I could do that myself. Nice little monologue at the end that was a Bukowski poem about raging against the day. Again no story, but perhaps the idea of finding meaning and dignity in everyday moments was the meaning of the movie. There, I just said it in 10 seconds. Grade: C
Lord of War- A decent little romp that I think I have seen before and I think was called "Scarface". I did like how the Nicholas Cage character was unapologetic even up to the end. No The opening bullet from bulk metal to brain accessory was very tricky. I would have liked to have learned about how he gets to be in the CIA's pocket a little bit more. Supposedly based on a true character, except the real life Yuri is an ex-KGB agent. Again the story of a man going from nothing to big shot is a premise not a story. We need something more to intrigue us. Grade: C. Ethan Hawke plays a good edgy little ATF agent. He also is one of the cops in...
Assault on Precinct 13. The idea is a bad guy (why Laurence Fishbourne always got to be so "in control" in all his roles and staring like he will make you levitate and shit) will get whacked by some dirty cops for crossing them. Again the movie revolves around this idea and does not really progress with any "story". Attempts at breaching the Precinct are made and (so as not to spoil it) may or may not be diverted. Unholy allegiances are formed. I like how the Fishbourne character and Hawke don't become like good friends and end up going over to each other's house for football games by the end. Grade: C. This movie takes place in a snowy Detroit (is the Dirty D poised to become the next Hollywood?), which is the setting for...
4 Brothers- A whigged out Marky Mark leads his no-account brothers on a quest to solve his mama's murder. Everyone is quickly painted into their character- by a voice over police briefing during a stakeout- have you no self-consciousness, Hollywood screenwriters? The New Kids on the... I mean 4 brothers, go around roughing up the town until the final "duel". Grade C A little plot twist in the middle throws them off and helps the movie to make it a bit more interesting. But, you want an entertaining movie? Put Marky Mark into real-life downtown Detroit with a sign saying "I Hate Niggers" ala Die Hard. Which is a word (nigger, not Die Hard) that Sarah Silverman has no qualms in dropping in...
Jesus is Magic- A pretty raunchy little bit of stand-up with music vignettes interspersed that is pretty damn funny. Silverman has no problems ripping on everyone, including herself (but just a little), so that makes it o.k. I can't believe she said that if blacks were in Germany during the Holocaust there would have been no Holocaust... at least for the Jews. She also rips on tards (they can do anything), which is the subject matter for... (oh yeah A- for Jesus)
The Ringer- I like that they don't coddle the tards. I also like that they give each tard different personality traits- like in Revenge of the Nerds when they differentiate the Geeks, Spazzes, and Dorks. Points for the Glenn Chervin character (Glenn fucking Chervin), the dude who always looks like he would rip a fart just to watch you squirm. Pretty funny. Grade: B. I would like to see Denzel Washington in a role like this. Something to just break out of character (props to Bobby DeNiro for not taking himself too seriously), but instead he's busy being self-assured in...
The Inside Man- Great story. Nice flashback from the end. Good characters. Great twists. Spike keeps the righteous black man shit toned down. (Focus). Grade: A.
Alright, if we've learned anything it's to spend your money on story Hollywood. I'm off to try to bisect the one-ply. Peazy.

1 Comments:

Blogger David Wellbaum said...

I enjoyed your insightful post and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. I have to say that I liked 4 Brothers and Assault a bit better than Lords of War. For some reason that flick rubbed me the wrong way (as in it put me to fucking sleep). Agreed with Inside Man, and am looking to see Jesus is Magic as soon as possible. I've seen previews, and it looks funny.

Also, "I have a good excuse -- I'm fucking lazy." Heh heh....

7:14 AM  

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