Salad dressing semen spawns trouble

I don't know if this article's title is trying to be funny or just suffering from incredibly poor word choice.

Thar she blows

Your laws don't apply to me

It seems like there haven't been a lot of recent laws introduced lately that have given me reason to get excited. However, two recent pieces of legislation have been introduced this month that seem substantial and progressive. The Free Flow of Information Act would help journalists protect their confidential sources by requiring lawyers to prove that having the sources divulged would be in the public's best interests. 32 states already have such legislation. There seems to have been a rise in the last few years of the government trying to use journalists to do their job. The free press is one of the only unbiased checks against government.
The immigration bill also finally does something about the hot issue that is relevant to anyone who's family came over to the states (everyone). It seems to give some good opportunities to people who want to put in some work to get in on the dream. Hey, tax 'em all.
Both pieces are bipartisan and thus sure to piss off people on both sides, to me a sign that the law is fair.

This just in...Dreams come crashing back to reality

Ducks beat Wings in OT for Detroit split AP - 1 hour, 11 minutes ago
Bulls top Pistons, avoid playoff sweep AP - Sun May 13, 10:18 PM ET
Hunter knocks in 7 as Twins top Tigers AP - 1 hour, 10 minutes ago
Just in case I was getting a little too optimistic, the Big Sports Man in the sky sent my dreams crashing down like a Rasheed Wallace slam dunk. These were 3 of the top 5 headlines on yahoo.news.com today. I think Steinbrenner put God on the pay roll. Shave those sideburns hippie.

D-Twat

Don't look now, but something's going on in the D that's got fists raised and everyone buzzin. And it ain't the coney dogs. The Red Wings (someone, not from Detroit or familiar with hockey, looked at me funny when I mentioned this name and told me they understood it as something earned by a fellow checking the plumbing on a partner whose little red friend was in town, blech) are in the finals in what looks to be a defensive gem (boring). The Pistons are just one more second half rally away from sending the Bulls home early. I hope all that money bought you a nice TV to watch the finals on Ben. The Tigers just got over an 8 game win streak. Will this be the year of a Motown domination in the sports world? I can only think of one reason why not...

Techno raving

Ahh, the festival season is upon us. What a great way to kick it off with a FREE DJ party at a local campground set along the river. There must have been 10,000 people there. I was not expecting such a big turn-out. A great time was had by all. Half of the fun was getting up on this platform these chicks are on and dancing. This suit then would run up and drag people down. I pretended they were knocking me down and assaulting me and got big cheers from the crowd.

Mexcelente

Dear Mexican, What’s the deal with Mexicans and Dickies?
Dickless

Dear Mexican,
What's up with all the elaborate wrought-iron gates in the Mexican part of town?
Dear Mexican,
Why do Mexicans park their cars on the front lawn?
Dear Mexican,
Why do Mexicans love to lay on the horn when picking up their hijos at their houses or apartments?
For anwers to these and all your other hard hitting questions about the essays, check out Ask a Mexican.
cyberdiarrhea would now like to open the floor for questions to Ask a Honkey.

Compooters

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care dep! artment. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller:"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and al! l of a sudden the words went away." Operator:"Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Ca! ller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power............ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"