Friday, September 29, 2006

A gift from a student

...for those days when you have that not-so-fresh feeling. I'm off to shower.

Reinstating the True Heir

Here Mad Mike announces his plan to go to Thailand to oust the reigning powers that be and claim the crown in the name of his vampire army. The streets shall flow with the blood of the non-believers!


...the sweltering heat made me feel like the centerpiece of grandma's Thanksgiving dinner. Hot as a Port-a-potty in July it made sweat pop out in beads from the slightest movements. There was no escape. The humidity's partner in crime the mosquito, danced around and tricked my eyes with its haphazard random zig-zags. Not that smashing one would do anything. There were a hundred more to take its place. They left necks like an allergy test, an irritated minefield stinging like a cut in lemon juice from the sweat and plants that rubbed against it. I wanted to rip my neck off and be done with this whole damn thing, the mosquitoes, the heat, the unknowing presence of death just a shadow that disappears when you look at it. How do you play a game when it comes with no instructions? Make it up as you go along of course. How do you play a game that has no way to win? Just keep playing. A bullet only costs 50 cents and the price of life is cheap around here...

Monday, September 25, 2006

Don't call it a comeback

Tigers Clinch a Playoff Spot!

I still rmember the starting lineup of the '84 Tigers that went on to win it all on a game stealing homerun by Gibby off Goose Gossage. You got Larry Herndon, Chet Lemon (who performed the first over the wall catch to rob someone of a homerun), and Kirk Gibson in the outfield. Howard Johnson, Allan Trammell, Sweet Lou Whitaker, and Dave Bergman from left to right in the infield. Darrell Evans DH'n. At the 1, 2 I'm putting Jack Morris and Lance Parrish with Willie Hernandez coming in to close (O.K. I did forget HoJo at 3rd, but that's pretty good for 20 years later). Looking at their stats that year I was surprised to see only Trammell squeaking above .300 (.314) and their best ERA with Petry in the 3's. The secret? Solid defense, especially up the middle and 5 starters with ERA's in the 3's. Go Tige's.

Phi Krappa Zappa

We were at the restaurant the other night and the owner brings 0ut this electronic tennis racket and does a couple swings in the air. I am intrigued at this high-tech gadgetry and ask him in my broken Korean "What?" To which he replies in fluent Korean... something. I take it and turn it on and am trying to figure out how it works. Maybe it makes different ball sounds when you swing it. A couple of practice shots show me that is not the case. I think maybe it makes a noise when something hits the racket so I touch the head... Kkkrrrzzzzzwww and a flash of blue light! It is a bug zapper and my finger has just simulated the path of an errant mosquito. Everyone is laughing and I hand it back to dude. The picture of Frank on the right? A zapper and a Zappa.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Monday, September 18, 2006


Peace to the Croc Hunter. Don't watch the video of him biting it. Just remember him as the guy who got blowjobs from alligators, played kitchy-coo with vipers,
swung 'roos around like party favors, and did a lot to help animals: always to the max. He's a beautiful speciman.

Suck it


Sunday, September 17, 2006

Shouldn't you be praying or something

Doesn't the pope look like that old grandpa from the 'Burbs?

Alright forgive Cyberdiarrhea for getting overtly political for a minute, but the Muslims have just about played themselves out in my opinion.
From yahoonews "Pope Benedict said Sunday that he is "deeply sorry" his remarks on Islam and violence offended Muslims, but the unusual expression of papal regret drew a mixed reaction from Islamic leaders as the Vatican worried about a backlash of violence." The dude said he's sorry. Get over it. Stop being pissed about cartoons. The reason people pick on you is because you are laughable. You take yourselves way too seriously. Your religion is a bunch of laws. The reason there are so many suicide bombers is because their lives suck! They can't booze, whore, listen to rock 'n roll, or even grow Tom Selleck moustaches. No wonder they're taking numbers at the bomb vest factory.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Get a job, hippies!

Every morning from the school nearby I am indoctrinated with the velociraptor squeals of little children, a microphoned announcer counting off "Hanna, Dul, Set...", and thundersticks beating like a Valhalla war chant. Add to that the fruit trucks that go by with loudspeakers availing their wares and prices with monotone dreariness. And then the demented old landlady that shrieks at her husband (it's pretty funny they walk down the street on opposite sides) is the little cherry on top. Good thing I have: SLAYER!!!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

BigB's Top Ten T.V. shows he forgot and then just remembered

1.Rubix the Cube- I am very grateful to for verifying that this was not a flashback. Everyone I ever described this to was like "O.K. don't kill me now." This was about a walking talking rubix cube that ran around and did stuff (I think solved crimes). Also on the show was Menudo. That's right the Latin boy band that spawned Ricky Martin (he'll show them) also did... "stuff" with Rubix. Only on in 1983.
2.Benson-This black guy played some politician's butler. He constantly cracked jokes on him. The first "stick it to whitey" T.V. show.
3.The Snorks- The Smurfs underwater and cheaper cousins.
4.Count Duckula-I like his up all night worn out look on his face.
5.M.A.S.K.-Masked crusaders working overtime, Masked crusaders who will fight crime. Secret raiders who will neutralize as soon as they arrive at the site. Tracker's gonna lead the mission. And Spectrum's got such super vision. M-M-M-Mask!
6.Airwolf-Check out the names on this show: Stringfellow Hawke (nice e at the end), Dominic Santini, Michael "Archangel" Coldsmith Briggs III (meaning their were two previous Michael "Archangel" Coldsmith Briggs III's), and the actor Jan-Michael Vincent.
7.The Journey of Nattie Gann- Prepubescent Allyssa Milano shows the promise of what would earn her top billing in Poison Ivy 2 (not the acting). John Cusack plays his sneering at just being smacked in the face expression to the hilt. A poor man's White Fang.
8.The Greatest American Hero-Cool fro, cool song. I used to dream I was this guy. I could fly, but then I couldn't. It was so fucking frustrating because I knew I had just did it. Maybe if I just run really fast and then jump...
9.Rainbow Brite-My sister used to watch this show. That was the only reason I watched it I swear.
I know I told you top ten, but I have to go pick up my bike from the shop. Keep it lazy...

Kid Icarus

Because of these I have this...

I finally beat Tekken 5 last night at 3:00 am. Usually as the night goes on the worse I get and the more angry I get.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Kick 'em in the balls

It seems like the little things that you just take for granted are some of the differences I've noticed in Korea: -when Koreans count with their fingers they start with fingers out and tuck them in versus the way I've usually seen where people flick the fingers out; -in malls and on the street people often walk on the left. I understand that is based on tradition; -the wave goes in a counter clockwise fashion at sporting events. I can't explain the reasons for these things. That's just the way it is. -right before our team building orgy
-hey guys can I slap my meat on your grill? -Vinnie looks around for her teammates during the dodgeball game. Sorry babe, I'm chillen by the 'cue. -I told my friend the game should be over soon. Right after I said that Iran scored to tie the game in extra time.
-Sad little Red Devils

Summer camp

Dear Mom,
Greetings from camp. Thanks for the self-addressed stamped envelopes, or as the post office callse them, S.A.S.E. Also, thanks for writing my initials on the tags of all my clothes. When little Johnny Taylor tried to put on my underwear 'cuz he was too lazy to do his laundry I totally grabbed the tag and then showed him it was BS not JT. They I totally gave him a wedgie. It may have even reached atomic wedgie proportions. It's not like I want them back after his dirty butt has been on them. Anyway, we have been having quiet evenings usually around the fire where one of the counselors will break out the guitar and we all get a little sing-a-long going. I don't think "Dust in the Wind" could ever get old. The food is gross. The cook thinks that calling the Kool-Aid "bug juice" will make it sound rustic, but really he's just a cheap bastard who doesn't put enough sugar in it. Anyway, looking forward to seeing you all soon. Oh yeah, could you send some money before mid-break. I think a couple hundred should cover it.
Your happy little camper


Since the dawn of civilization man has quested for more efficient methods for consuming his beer.
Some items I've bonged beers (I'm keeping it real and calling it bonging- funneling sounds too scientific for such an sloppy enterprise) with:
-a bong
-a fish aquarium pump I told people was a penis pump
-a tent rooftop
-a birthday party hat

Plant a seed

Yesterday, I traded our donkey for a magic bean. I planted it outside and this is what grew the next day. I really wanted some corn, too.