Sunday, August 27, 2006

You have to admire their spirit

I'm involved with this program. It's kind of like an Outward Bound group for "special" people. By special I mean stupid. It pairs up a challenged person with a group who will take them out to integrate them into the community. I don't know if this helps or not, but it's fun to punch them.
This was my special person-FR, or Fucking Retard.

For our activity we decided to go on a little pub crawl. The theme was golf. Here the boys contemplate the possibilities on the next hole. By hole I mean female. Is is a 1 wood? Is there any sand in that trap. Golfer Chris displays that winning form. Tyrone Lanceford displays some sweaty pits. Our team won the "soju slam". But, the real winners are the specials we can help out. I think this is how they smile. It makes it all worth it.


212. The numbers roll off the tongue. 200 had for so long stood between me and glory like a guardian at the entrance to the Holy Grail. In the sport of bowling the 200 game had been my goal for a long time. Friday when we rolled the rock at the Hongdae Subway Station it was my destiny. I had called up ol' Gutters and Strikes OneNutt and told him tonight felt like the night. Sure I had said that many times, but I truly believed that tonight was a night. I found the ol' 15 pounder that nestled up around my fingers like your sister. And like your sister I throw her in the gutter and she comes back for more. I hurled the mighty Excalibur and smote the beast. Apparantly Rick Szczepanski from Schenectedy, NY has pitched 88 deuces in a row during an incredible '96-'98 run. Rick's record remained intact Friday night as my scores plummeted quicker than your mom after a gin rickey. It seems bowling originated from the Middle Ages when German peasants used to carry a club, or kegel, with them from protection. When they went to church they would set their kegel up and try to knock it down with a ball. If they succeeded they were considered clear of sin. Well, Friday night the Big Man must have looked down at me and gave me a little slap on the patookis.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Me and my...

Let me tell you about oneness...
Solitaire, the first monkey in space (previous post), the sound of the jailhouse door's clink, the first day of preschool, that guy who chartered a flight to Alaska to roam around the wilderness only to forget to arrange for one home (apparantly he signaled a passing plane only to discover later that he gave the "everything's o.k. signal), that first shovel of dirt hitting the coffin, bad b.o., Tupac, Milli Vanilli, John Adams- I'm reading "Founding Brothers" right now. John Adams was the unenviable successor to the indominatable G.W. (hold the Bush (yes I do)). He offered to work in harmony with the number 2 vote getter Jefferson, despite being in opposite parties. He was then smeared by a Madison, Jefferson, Hamilton power junkie triad. He alienated many with the passage of the Alien and Sedition acts. He then pissed off his party by sending another peace delegation to France after the XYZ affair. Many thought he had monarchial dispositions by appointing his son John Q. to a diplomatic post. Of the first 6 Presidents only John had a son. (Actually Abigail was pretty tight in John's corner through all this.), Mount Everest, that last eight-ball to hit in, that last eight-ball to snort, unicycles, the last unicorn, unitards, my black sock-stolen by the cursed sock amalgamater- I will unwind you when I find you fiend, the last person you can never find to round out a euchre foursome, one for the road, one last...OMMMMMMM>>>

Saturday, August 19, 2006

All this aggravation just ain't satisfactionin' me

Another Elvis death anniversery passed. Here's to the King.
The new Camaro's are out. They ain't bad lookin. I like the new Pony's better. I dig that square grill up front that looks like a wicked grin baring down on you in your rearview. But, they just don't have the same sharp lines as the originals. Hey, I'd still take one. And they're cooler than any ubercar will ever be.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Don't be harshin on Stevie Winwood though

Dude, I almost pulled a 30 second headstand for 10 bucks last night. I think the counting was slow.

I was researching into a pet rental business. I think there may be some already, but mine will be different. I will have a kennel/ pet rental. I will take in pets that need watching and rent them out to people who want a pet for a weekend. Playing fetch is extra.

Don't eat this soy sauce: In 2003, Hongshuai Soy Sauce hit the market in China and other countries, becoming popular quickly because it was cheaper than other soy sauces with similar taste.
The following year, Chinese TV reporters discovered that the soy sauce was made from an amino acid powder created by processing human hair:
Because the human hair was gathered from salon, barbershop and hospitals around the country, it was unhygienic and mixed with condom, used hospital cottons, used menstrual cycle pad, used syringe, etc ...
The technicians admitted that they would not consume the human-hair soy sauce because the dirty and unhygienic hair was used to make amino acid syrup.

I'm off to do some research into a forthcoming book on the history of crane games (claw machines).

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Excerpted from the DW and BS gin sessions

The view is spectacular. Like a video arcade. I always thought the ocean was expansive, but to see it all as one makes you question if there is really a "big". Anyway size seemed to be more immediate while always on the move. One's body swelled a bit from the zero gravity, but that seemed to help the joints. And I seemed to catch up on a few years and save some gas while slingshotting on the tails of quasars. The feigned subordination, the confused expressions were all just a part of the cosmos for the first monkey in space. I torpedoed ahead to meet up with the mother ship and a right proper welcome home party.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Quadratic equations

... is what I haven't been doing lately. Instead:
-I almost had MLB baseball home-run derby beat on MVP mode. I was one swing away and hit a foul ball. Big league choke.
-Devin the Dude- blunted raps and stunted beats ala early Geto Boys. "You know I'd rather fuck than watch T.V." -and a romantic.
-Work party karaoke with killer drum solo at the end of "Born to Be Wild".
-Having my contact lens roll back into my eyeball.
-Looking up shark attacks. In 1996 only 13 people were attacked by sharks. That same year 2,559 people were injured by room deodorizers and fresheners. Apparantly they are more dangerous than Great Whites.
-Trying to get this story published. Many publishers want hard copies or literary agents. Out of 260 possible publishers I looked up, I only sent out 10.
That and staying away from air fresheners.

Upon my trusty steed

I am many happy to be on your planet. Sent from the nether regions of Planet Atom, I was charged with the task of surmounting the Misty Mountain, slaying the dinosaur, and rescuing the Maiden Sook.

I grabbed my sword.

I battled giant spiders, evil mushrooms, and two-horned beasts.

The fires of hell themselves. I found the dinosaur and saved the day. For Valhalla!